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Catchup 22

October 21, 2014

“Where have you been?”
“Where HAVEN’T I been, you mean?”
– Monster Munch packet (roast beef)
So I’ve been gone a while. Six and a half months actually I think. There have been a lot of reasons why I’ve not posted for a long time, and none of them are particularly happy, but for the sake of people reading this who don’t know me (the people reading who do know me already know the state I’ve been in this year), I’ll outline a bit.

After I left CHAT the group of us that broke away started another group. Internal dramas broke it up, so we started ANOTHER group, only the same childish drama that led to the last split led to another. Turns out the people we had issue with in that second group weren’t as responsible as we made out, and someone we trusted in our own group was manipulative, cunning, and not great for us. Ironically it was like going through CHAT all over again. I saw a lot of behaviour from this person I saw in the owners of CHAT, which I was sure I’d got away from. This left me reeling, with major anxiety and trust issues, questioning my ability to socialise and read people.

I had surgery, which went horribly wrong. I had a wisdom tooth taken out, which led to dry socket. Literally the worst physical pain I can remember in my life, and I count that alongside an operation to remove an abcess from my spine when I was 16. During this time I became physically addicted to painkillers, something I’m still not sure I’ve shaken.

I’ve been busy. That’s the nice bit. Slowly over the last few months I’ve been trying to get out of the house as often as possibly, heading into town almost every day for a walk. One nice thing about being forced to take painkillers (or risk the consequences) is that my joint pain isn’t so crippling anymore. I’ve only needed a walking stick once or twice in the last few months.

There’s probably been other stuff but it’s late (early) and I can’t remember everything. Aside from those things basically I’ve been having a lot of issues with anxiety, and more with depression. It’s been hard to get on a bus to get anywhere, sometimes challenging even to get a lift. I’ve taken up smoking, something I never expected or planned on, even when I smoked a pipe every once in a while. I’m up to about four or five cigarettes a day. Not proud of it, but I feel it’s a necessary step right now. While I’m buying a pack of 20 every week or so, it’s saving money on buying munchies and other crap I used to do to take my mind off how physically painful it sometimes is to be alive, so it’s serving a purpose for the time being. I aim to quit before it becomes an issue to my health, but I’ve tried forcing myself recently and all it’s done is lead to more anxiety, and I’m having a hard enough time.

So where am I now? Still “here, there, everywhere,” miles away and still in my room staring out the window. It’s difficult to express. Things are the same, but something is different. I started working, but quit yesterday because it was too much for me. I think I’ll have to switch from JSA back to ESA, which will bring its own stresses, but will take the pressure off of having to look for work, which I’m increasingly convinced is too much for me.

I am, however, in college now. With UHOVI, I’m studying anatomy and physiology, and tai chi, with an aim to go on to teach it. It’s a heavy workload, but I’m finally taking steps to be where I want to be in life.

Living with people is increasingly difficult. Triggers and anxiety has become near constant, so I’ll be moving out soon. I don’t care where so much anymore, I just need to be alone, take some space. A kind of Into the Wild, with wi-fi.

My current group, The Mentalists, is plodding along. We meet bi-monthly for a book club, and weekly for .. well, it’s labelled Mentalist Makers, a crafts group, but we spend most of the time trying to get Louise’s daughter to do jazz hands. We’re not making crafts-y things so much lately, but we are making memories and progress. We’re helping each other out in ways I’ve never had before. Two members recently went to court with me to appeal the decision to stop ESA, and with their help (they did most of the work) the decision was overturned.

I’ve become complacent with my anxiety and my comfort zone has begun to shrink again, so for Halloween we’re all off to do karaoke, my first time in probably a year and a half. I’m still anxiously trying to pick a couple of songs I can do and decide what to dress up as. Maybe videos will be taken and posted, proof of this “getting a life” thing in the title.

I’m writing again. I’ve started a separate blog for posting my snippets, just occasional scenes, snippets of dialogue, monologues. The whole blog thing in itself was part of my wanting to get back into writing, but rambling about my life ain’t literature. Then again neither is a random discussion I had with myself about disappearing funfair attractions the other night. But if you put enough words down some of it will work. Monkeys and Shakespeare, and all that.

One thing with the smoking is when I take the dog out in the evening I sit down with a fag and have a ponder, and things are starting to make more sense to me. I’ve worked out a possible purpose for my continued existence even, which I may post about in the future. Will see if it works out first, no point preaching about it before testing the idea.

Also planned at some point is to finish the three-parter about Amsterdam that I started two freaking years ago and never got round to finishing. Now that I don’t have things like CHAT or juvenile drama BS taking up my energy anymore, I want to start doing this again more often.

I was thinking of making a separate blog about my journey with the tai chi and teaching, but that ties in with the topic of this blog, and it’s probably about time I wrote more about my life instead of my theories and the usual stuff I post so it’ll get posted here. There’s not much to add yet, I’ve been at it for three weeks and we’ve covered the first three moves of the 54 movement short form of tai chi, so there’s plenty of time to get more into the changes I feel in my body and movements.

If I was doing Naniwrimo, this would almost be enough words for today’s progress. That’s an interesting thought, maybe I’ll try it this year and see how I do. I tried it a couple of years ago, figured I’d write something about pirates and ninja, I thought “how hard could it be to write a nonsense adventure with ninja?” Turns out, harder than I thought. But who knows?

Oh, and progress report on last year’s “get ‘er done” goals list: I’ve done none of it. Not the least disappointing thing, but those goals became less of a priority when I’ve been struggling so much this year. Maybe next year I’ll get some of it done.

I need another 30 words to reach the nanowrimo’s minimum daily word count of 1300, so here’s a link to an interesting article I just read about Robin William and why funny people struggle so much. It was like looking into my own mind, reading this. The comments are full of hate but that’s the internet for you I guess. It’s well worth a read, though, check it out.



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