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An explanation of my facebookage.

June 3, 2013

Making this a blog thing rather than a Facebook status because I don’t know how long it will be. Basically I want to explain what’s been going on in some vague detail.

I feel my intention is being misunderstood. I’ve deactivated my facebook a couple of times in the last two or three months, the last time I did it I also deleted everyone to make sure there was another step between me and people seeing any statuses (statusi?) I may have uploaded. I was spiralling badly and was sharing my every thought on facebook, and people were worried. This is appreciated and understandable because some of it was properly dark and despairy, and I want to apologise to anyone I upset or worried. I’m glad you care enough to be affected by it but I’m sorry for doing that to you.

I’m feeling self-indulgent already.

That was the reason I deactivated my facebook account each of those times, though. I couldn’t stop myself habitually booting it up and emptying my brain into that little box, and it was scaring some people, and I didn’t want to do that anymore, so I deactivated it until I was in a better place. I don’t want anybody to feel like I’m testing them in some way, I’ve never been deliberately manipulative like that. I may embellish what happened if I want attention, like saying I fell over when I lost my balance and fell into a wall, but I won’t outright make stuff up like saying I had a heart attack or something. You’re not being tested, my intention is to spare you. When I’m that miserable I know I can offload on anyone who so much as says hello, I can’t help myself, so I did what I thought would be the surest way to prevent that. That’s all.

Another thing I want to reassure you all about is, when I say I’m suicidal, I mean I’m feeling like it would be a good idea or thinking about it a lot. I never intend to act on the feelings, and as long as I’m whining about it you’ve got nothing to worry about. My self-care gets a bit slack, I don’t shower for a few days, won’t shave for a week or two at a time, may eat badly, but I’m still not being stupid, I’m eating enough to keep me alive, trying to sleep, and not directly hurting myself.

That’s about all there is. I’m in a dark place right now, but I’ve been worse, probably, and I’ve no intention to give up on everything until the doctor tells me it’s terminal, and that’s when I become Batman coz I’ll have nothing to fear anyway. See? Silver lining đŸ˜›

So relax, lob on some earl grey, pass the biscuits, and chill with me. Seriously, I have two sofas, my backside isn’t THAT wide quite yet, come join me. Bring biscuits.


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