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Dare I?

May 31, 2013

There’s a lot of info in here, so I’m not sure if it should be moved to My Story. Mods, I leave it to your judgement. Details are only given for context, not to tell the story in itself.

For some reason today I realised something. Today is the first good day I’ve had for a long, long time. I mean a GOOD day. It’s the closest I’ve felt to being at peace with myself and the world for.. probably years. In recent memory at any rate. At some point I got to thinking about my first girlfriend, the one who hurt me physically. Probably because I was thinking a lot of my last girlfriend, the one that destroyed me psychologically.

Girlfriend A, who I’ll call Midge (for no reason whatsoever) and I were together about 15 months. I was an idiot for falling for her because she hit me even before we got together, but she promised she’d stop, and I believed her. This happened when I was 12 – 14. I’ve always remembered it as a standalone thing, possibly because I was so in love with her, my first great love. But today I thought of what else was going on at that time: School. When I was 12 I was in a coma. I had missed about four months of school by the time I got back there, and I was way behind. But for some reason I just couldn’t get my act together, I had trouble concentrating, I had anxiety about going back to school that nobody including myself could figure out.

I’m 28 in six months. There’s been some delay, as the math buffs among you will have worked out by now, but it finally just dawned on me that during this period, I was getting beaten up almost daily by the woman I loved, who I kept going back to… of course I couldn’t concentrate, of course I had anxiety about leaving my house (strangely it only ever happened at hers, when her dad was home, so if I had any ideas about defending myself physically, I assume, he’d be up in a nanosecond to rip me a new one. This is an assumption but it’s the only times it happened so I assume it to be the case. I have to admire her intelligence…) and going to school (where she would be.)

When I was 14, I had my first homosexual experience. This wasn’t very long after Midge and I broke up, I guess. I’d recently met a girl, who I’ll call Nasty :P and we were talking online, and I told her what had happened. The next day, the school new. A few days after that I rang Nasty to say hi and she refused to talk to me. I asked why the hell, and I was told the news – apparently I’d started a rumour that I’d raped her.

Now skipping over the mere concept of starting a rumour for my own benefit that I’m a rapist, I dunno where this came from, but soon that was all around the school and I was getting harassed during break time by her friends who would call me a monster and scum, etc, and in class people would throw paper at me and just insult me for anything I did (I had tea tree oil because I had cold sores, and that became “Dan is putting makeup on!”). That Christmas, I got beaten into hospital by someone while his three friends watched. I didn’t go back to school in the new year.

My friend was forbidden to see me because I dropped out of school, as if I’d hold him back (I was still homeschooled, I just couldn’t go back to school.)

So bearing all this in mind today, it dawned on me. All these years, I’ve blamed myself for everything that happened. I kept going back to Midge, I told Nasty about my sexuality, I kept going to school, I didn’t know who was responsible for it so I couldn’t report it and they couldn’t be punished. The abuse, the bullying, the total brain ache going on… of course I couldn’t continue school. My decision to leave didn’t ruin my life, as I’ve believed all these years; it saved it. If I’d stayed there I’m confident I wouldn’t have survived much longer with all that was going on.

So after all this time of hating myself for being so stupid, could it be, I wasn’t actually to blame? I trusted people and they abused that trust, it wouldn’t have made a difference if I’d stopped going back to Midge, I would have met Nasty. Nasty who made my brother a p*dophile by lying about her age so he, aged 18, thought she was of legal age. She wasn’t. She really caused us problems, and she had the gall to add me to facebook and then disown me from her life because I was so negative and depressed!

None of this was asked for by me, I did the best I could at all times, I ran because I couldn’t fight, and I’ve been fighting ever since. Could it be that I… forgive me?

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