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The trousers, how they mocked me

May 17, 2013
I didn’t sleep so well last night, but I woke up in time this morning. I then sat on my sofa and tried to shift my brain into gear. I looked over at my pile of clothes, then looked away, unable to process the concept of getting dressed. At one point I focused a surge of energy, and stood up and took a step toward my trousers, then turned and sat back down. The trousers looked at me reproachfully, mockingly. I sensed more pity than sympathy. After ten solid minutes of this back and forth, with me telling my brain actually it is quite important to get dressed now so I can leave the house and do this thing I’ve had planned for easily ten years, I finally dropped the clutch and got moving.

The bus was late. I was there for 9am, I’d just missed the 8:55 so I was waiting for the 9:10. It showed up at 9:20. I had to be in town for 9:30. I got there around 9:40. I hate where I live, it’s like it’s just out of sync with the regular dimension and buses struggle to find their way there. Where I live is between two towns, and strangely when leaving either town, the buses are on time perfectly, but they don’t drive through my town at the time they should. I don’t understand it. That’s one for the list of questions I have if presented with a deity after I die who offers answers.

So I showed up and filled in the forms, and was treated to a day of adrenaline and triggers and boredom and brainache.

But at 3:05pm I emerged from that place a qualified first aider.

The pig has been kicked. Boo to the yah. High fives all round :)

It’s been an extremely shaky ten days or so, I had a full blown meltdown on Wednesday and have been in bed for most of the time since, so to do this thing today in spite of the anxiety I felt is a huge achievement, and now I feel like I’m getting back in control and my life is back in the right direction again. Just leaving the house was an achievement after the week I’ve had. I feel like all week I’ve been hanging on by my fingernails, but today I finally got a knee up on the ledge. I’m still kinda precarious and vulnerable, but I can rest a little and feel like falling to my doom is a little further away.


From → Personal

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