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Be careful what you wish for

February 25, 2013

“Be careful what you wish for” is one of those annoying clichés, made all the more annoying by the fact that it’s completely true. As my friend reminds me, “when you ask for strength, do you think you’re just GIVEN strength by magic? Or are you given opportunities to get stronger?”

Well I’ve been sent several opportunities this past fortnight or so.

Namely, my fear of having teeth pulled. My hand was forced nicely with this decision, because I could feel a wisdom tooth coming through, and was in a LOT of pain, so I made a dentist appointment and asked him to pull the tooth next to the incoming tooth to make room. He took a look and announced that not only do I have TWO wisdom teeth coming through in that spot, but they’re compacted. Which leads me on to another couple of fears: I’m not stranger to pain, but this has been causing me more pain than I can tolerate, making me literally writhe in pain or pace about. Not really a fear, but I really dislike being dependant on medicine, especially painkillers.

But the biggie: My dentist can’t fix this – I need an operation. I’ve had two operations in my life, and both times I’ve had a feeling akin to panic as the sedatives kicked in. I guess that’s normal, being put under is not a pleasant feeling, but I still dread it.

This year is all about facing fears. January was easy, nothing much happened. February’s picked up the gauntlet somewhat.

Following the facing of fears, I’ve been on a course about how to protect vulnerable adults. I wasn’t expecting it to affect me so strongly, but talking about the different kinds of abuse for four or something hours I guess is bound to have some effect. I wasn’t the only one in the room who’s been abused, but I certainly felt like the only one who was really, really struggling with it. But I got through it, even if I retained basically no information from it :/

The next step is a 60 hours long course called PTTLS (phonetically known as petals), a teaching course equivelant to the first year of a degree. This is, like the other course, required by law (or will be soon this year) for anyone wanting to lead CHAT workshops, which I do. I’ve dreamt of teaching for years, it’s about the only thing I have any feelings about when I consider a career, but I can’t express how terrified I am. I know there’ll be a section where I’ll have to actually teach something for fifteen minutes. I don’t even know what I could talk about for that long, or at least teach. I could probably lecture about martial arts, but that wouldn’t be anything interesting or educational, it’d be more of a rant, I dunno if that would count. Anyway, that’s coming up.

I housesat for a friend this weekend while she was away. During this time I was really ill. When I’m ill I find it comforting to be around people, to talk to, take my mind off it, reassure me somehow. I was on my own, in another person’s house. I was very anxious for a lot of the time I was there, but I got through it so I guess ultimately I did ok.

Tonight at CHAT I offered something of my experience in front of the room. An idea I use to cope with comparing myself negatively to people. I think I did quite well. Perhaps I could teach about adrenaline for fifteen minutes. That could be worth looking into. I certainly experienced that, speaking in front of people tonight. I did alright.

And now I’m off to bed because I’m feeling extremely ill. Just thought I’d share.

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