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Found this and thought it interesting

October 18, 2012

(I found this sheet of notepad paper while sorting out my papers. I don’t know why I kept it, but I remember writing this. It was last year, I was staying with my girlfriend (now ex,) and was the only one away at about 6.30am, unable to sleep. I was really very depressed and had no idea why. Probably no reason at all. I dunno why but I find this an interesting read so thought I’d share it. Perhaps not what’s said in itself, but the words used, and how the handwriting changes.)

Over the course of four hours my mood has not-too-slowly degenerated into hopelessness. I might succumb to it entirely if not for my rational mind knowing that this is just a mood, not my life. All the same, it’s bad enough for me to hope Jen leaves me be for a bit yet. Considering going down to the park to watch the ducks and geese. REckons they’ll calm my nerves. It would be easier if I had my (looks like wenal? :|) wenal small bag.

(And here the handwriting changes, becoming infinitely easier to read, much less erratic and scribbly. Still scruffy because it’s my handwriting, but I can tell I’d taken a deep breath and told myself to get a grip.)

How do you balance. I don’t talk about things, I’m avoiding them. I want to work things out in my head, I’m wallowing. How do you do either without doing both? All the times I should have died but didn’t. I should never have seen my 13th birthday. I love you dad, but why did you have to bring me back from peace? I miss my childhood. I miss being healthy. I miss being dead more than anything.

It all comes down to shame. Shame and fear. Shame is maybe a form of fear. But fear leads to it.

(Strewth, that was intense, eh? I post this partially to show where I’ve come from. I haven’t been there for a little while. There was earlier this year, when I was still dealing with Jen leaving me where I hit rock bottom pretty hard. Since then I’ve found a great support group which I’ll write a full review for and testimonial soon.

Hopefully by posting this you’ll see how I’m not just preaching when I post, I’ve been through the worst of it and the thoughts I share have genuinely changed me, and that’s why I share them.)


From → Personal

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